Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The smoothest fall of all time

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

When you don’t understand how floors work

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.