Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
In case you needed to hear it: