Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Here’s a meme