Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Just ordered me some pizza!

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”