ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I’m dying louder than usual today.