ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
You Might Also Like
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.