Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Pee pressure > peer pressure

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Buying a well is money well spent.

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.