ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don鈥檛 plan on doing you
can鈥檛 wait til they legalize outside
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If you add enough jalape帽os no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Whenever I鈥檓 feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever鈥檚 the most difficult to make
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn鈥檛 realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years