Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck