Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”