Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Perfect.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”