@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

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@SkinnerSteven

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

@DominicStraw

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

@KenJennings

My son just told me he wouldn’t kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he’s a Nazi or just a nerd

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

@Smooheed

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

@Xalqee

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

@iamspacegirl

autocorrect: Tim!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.

autocorrect*growling*: Tim.

me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.