“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
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I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My son just told me he wouldn’t kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he’s a Nazi or just a nerd
Truth or dare?
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.
me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.