Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.