Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

He is just living hist best little life 😊

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

This is the one

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.