Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’ve been learning to cook.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Banderslack Clamberdorch
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK