Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

Doggies just call it style.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes