Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

This is my favorite one of these!

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.