Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Britain be like
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I’m already scared
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”