Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
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Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
When you kidnap a writer.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.