ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Children of the corn 🌽
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Happy thanksgiving
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing