ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’