Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

shakira sharkira

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

Noted.

groan^2

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.