ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
buys donuts instead
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.