Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill