Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
A friend sent me this.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)