Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes