Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
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BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Cardio Made Easy
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.