Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

mood

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.