Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.