Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
this country is so goddamn polarized
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol