Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.