Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
This is amazing.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!