Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

This a good idea

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

this has done me in for some reason

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

He a real one for that