Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat