Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?