Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.