Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
True story 🤣
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.