Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car