Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

britain’s three elite institutions

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.