Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.