Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

normalize having existential bread

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

We will use anything but the metric system

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Is this the real life?
Is this just

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.