Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Autocorrect is my menesis

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.