Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Make me look younger

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.