Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

no regrets

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

are they though??

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.