Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

you gotta be faster

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

🤔😂😂

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”