Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
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A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
who wore it better?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.