Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
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Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Born to be mild.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
What is going on? 😅
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.