Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.