Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.