Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

#ParentingFacts

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

The internet is magic sometimes.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19