ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.