Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

new year update: losing everything but weight

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.