me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will