me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Simple enough.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.