Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

The best plant holders?

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..