Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me