Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Same post same

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.