Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it