me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
can’t catch a break
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.