Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

#parenting

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what