Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

going to bed

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

Modded the new Gran Turismo

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.