Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

*updates tinder bio*

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries