me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁