me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
kevin is now a local weatherman
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”