Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

I feel it

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

some cats are just doing for fun!

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’