Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Social Media and Real life
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.