Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Saw online –

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.