Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I bet
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?