Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.