Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’