ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.


Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.


I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.


I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.


“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.


Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*


Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??