ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
You Might Also Like
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark