ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Okay, I’m still confused…
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*