Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

“You’d better run, egg!”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FFmIO_TXIAMksBl.mp4

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”