Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.