me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s