Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me